


They're Just Words

by themoonandotherslikeit



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Hurt, I Love You, Love, M/M, Pain, Season 15, Ugh, otp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:08:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27635216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoonandotherslikeit/pseuds/themoonandotherslikeit
Summary: A rewrite of the 15x18 love confession, because I like pain.
Relationships: Dean Cas - Relationship, Destiel
Comments: 3
Kudos: 44





	They're Just Words

“Everybody's gonna die, Cas, everybody. I can't stop it. She's gonna get through that door.”

Desperation. 

“I know.” The answer wasn’t exactly helpful, but he didn’t know what he expected, either. There wasn’t a  _ good  _ answer, if any answer at all. 

“And she's gonna kill you, and then she's gonna kill me. I'm  _ sorry _ .”

There were so many times that his hands were tied, that he couldn’t do enough, that he couldn’t save anyone. 

_ I’m sorry.  _

The words didn’t seem like enough. No words seemed like enough when it came to Cas. Dean had lost Castiel over and over again. He lost him before, but there was always that sliver of hope that he would be back, because a life without Castiel wasn’t a life. It was just a movement, hands on a clock spinning meaninglessly. He had done it before. He’d lived a painful, pointless life, holding onto an old trench coat. He had laid in bed at night wondering what if. 

What if he had been stronger? What if he had said what he was thinking? What if he wasn’t such a goddamn coward? 

But at the end of the day, it didn’t make a difference. Castiel was an  _ angel _ . He was crafted by Chuck, a thousand times over. He was just another tool for Dean’s own destruction. It didn’t matter that Cas seemed to see him in a way that no one else had in his entire life. It didn’t matter what he felt - what he  _ thought  _ he felt. 

It was too damn late. It was always too late. He didn’t even have the time to kick himself for not being braver, because what fucking difference would it make?

He was going to die and Cas was going to die, and really in that moment nothing else fucking mattered. The world was cruel. It was crafted by a sadist that loved to watch Dean’s heart crack and break inside of his chest. Chuck had let him die and brought him back more than he ever deserved. But that was the thing, he always brought back Cas, too. It was something he could always count on. Not this time. He wasn’t God’s favorite anymore. He wasn’t the righteous man that Cas pulled from Hell. He didn’t recognize himself when he looked in the mirror.

He’d spent his entire life questioning everything. This moment was no different. 

Except it was. 

“Wait, there is... There's one thing she's afraid of. There's... There's one thing strong enough to stop her.” Dean always knew when Cas’ head was spinning. He loved to watch the wheels turn in the angel’s head. It was like the cogs were clicking in place, as the realizations brightened his eyes. “When Jack was dying, I... I made a deal to save him.”

This shouldn’t have been a surprise, a shock that made Dean’s stomach twist. They made deals all the time,  _ sacrifices,  _ they were martyrs. But yet, looking at Cas, and hearing the words come out of his mouth made Dean lightheaded. As if he didn’t have enough to worry about.  _ I made a deal _ . 

“You what?” He couldn’t breathe. The words hooked in the back of his throat and even though he wanted to yell, or shake him, or  _ sob _ , all he did was stand there, mouth agape like a fucking fish.

“The... The price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever.”

Happiness? How was that even relevant? 

“Why are you telling me this now?”

The look on his face told Dean everything he needed to know. 

He didn’t need to hear it, as much as he wanted to hear it, he didn’t know what it could possibly help. It was a silent agreement that they had from the beginning. They didn’t say it. Not  _ that _ . Not those words. They weren’t enough, anyway. How could anyone put simple letters together to mean what they meant to each other?

Every time he thought it his stomach would twist. He could hear John outside of the drag club when he was a kid.  _ Men don’t do that. Ya hear me, Dean? Real men don’t do that queer shit.  _

Boys don’t kiss boys. 

The only men you love are your brother and your father, and never like  _ that _ . No exception. 

Dean's heart picked up in his chest, his mouth cotton dry as he met Cas’ own wet, ocean eyes. He saw his entire life in those beautiful blue eyes. Every word that he was too fucking scared to say out loud floated in Cas’ eyes. 

“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that  _ curse _ , I wondered what it could be, what... what my true happiness could even look like.”

He was begging, screaming, sobbing inside of his head.  _ No, Cas. Don’t say it. You can’t say it.  _

They agreed. Maybe not out loud, maybe not in actuality, but they had the moment he put the second side table from his bed away when Cas wasn’t human. 

Their chance was  _ gone _ . It was a pipe dream. The apple pie life wasn’t for him anyway. Especially not with an angel. 

“I never found an answer,” Cas continued, his eyes baring into Dean’s like he needed Dean to listen. “Because the one thing I want... ...it's something I know I can't have. But I think I know... I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just  _ being _ . It's in just saying it.”

One last chance for absolution. One last chance to take it all back, to hold it in, to not  _ give in  _ to the one thing they can never take back.  _ Hearts are in a cage for a reason _ , Dean thought,  _ they ain’t supposed to be so goddamned exposed.  _ “What are you talking about, man?” There was a deep ache within Dean that he knew no amount of alcohol, and repression would heal. They were teetering a line, and once it was crossed there was no going back.

“I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean.” Cas chuckled, pained and teary eyed like the entire world was crushing him - because it probably was. “You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive and you're angry and you're broken. You're... You're  _ Daddy's Blunt Instrument _ . And you think hate and anger, that's... that's what drives you. That's who you are. It's  _ not _ .”

Castiel. The ethereal being. The  _ angel _ . God’s soldier. The one who plucked him from Hell and could certainly throw his ass back in. Why he hadn’t done it before was completely confusing to Dean Winchester. 

_ We have a more profound bond.  _

Every time Dean tried to throw himself into the fire, Cas was right there next to him. At first he assumed it was Cas taking responsibility. He was doing the right thing like he always had. It didn’t have anything to do with Dean or their supposed  _ bond _ . 

What a fucking fool he was. 

Cas took a step forward, blood dripping from his palm, and Dean had to wonder why it wasn’t healing. It was like time had slowed down just for them, and in that moment they were impenetrable. Even the pounding of Billie’s angry fist on the door had dulled into the beat of his heart. “And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for  _ love _ .”

There it was. The word that meant everything and nothing. The word he could never bring himself to say, not even to his little brother, or to Charlie, or Jack - or the one person that he loved more than he thought was possible. It was a fucking  _ joke _ ! How could four little letters do enough?

“You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are. You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.”

But as he looked at Cas, the reality of Cas’ words settled on him like newfallen snow. It wasn’t about the significance of the word. It was about saying  _ something _ . 

“You know, ever since we met and ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared,  _ I cared _ . I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about  _ the whole world  _ because of you. You changed me, Dean.” His voice was cracking and breaking, falling out of his beautiful lips. He smiled through his tears and something horribly painful settled inside of Dean. 

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” He had to ask, even though he already knew the answer. 

The pain was unimaginable as it settled onto him. He felt the grains of sand between them, the time they had slipping through his fingers. He grabbed for Cas, but every breath in his chest was labored as the air shifted in the room. It was almost like a hunger enveloping them, circling around them. 

It was loneliness, solitude,  _ emptiness _ .

“Because it is.”

Cas’ hand reached out, touching Dean’s cheek. His hand was damp from blood, but Dean didn’t care. It was warm, and it throbbed with the beat of his heart. He didn’t realize before, that Angel’s hearts beat. The realization was a little earth shattering. He leaned against Cas’ hand, because why the fuck not? No one was watching. Everything was ending. Endings were the worst part. He could take a breath. He deserved that much. 

The angel’s thumb traced Dean’s cheekbone and they looked into each other’s eyes. 

It felt silly, now, everything that Dean had worried about up until that point. His life wasn’t his own. Everything was written for him. His feelings were not his own. 

Had he really believed that absolute crock of shit? 

How did he look in Castiel’s eyes and believe that this wasn’t real? That this was  _ wrong.  _

“I love you.”

He said it like it was true, like maybe it was the only thing in his life that was true. 

His jaw trembled. 

Castiel loved him. He loved  _ Dean _ . Even though he was broken, even though he was unworthy, even though his father always told him that it was  _ dirty _ . He loved Dean anyway. 

Dean half wanted to ask him to repeat it, to clarify.  _ Okay you love me, yeah buddy I love you, too. You’re family. You me and Sam.  _

But that wasn’t what Castiel was saying, and if he could make the words come out of his mouth it would be an insult to the man standing in front of him. 

He’s done that enough. 

“Don't do this, Cas,” he begged. 

Don’t change things. Don’t hurt me.  _ Don’t leave me.  _

The angel stroked his lip with his thumb this time, slowly, desperately. It was like he was memorizing it. The room trembled under their feet. “Cas,” Dean breathed and before he could talk himself out of it, he pulled Cas close. Their chests brushed, and his arms wrapped around Cas and his stupid trench coat that he’s been wearing for way too long. 

And Dean kissed him. 

It had to be a sight, if there was anyone around to see. And he would’ve wondered if Chuck was cursing or cheering wherever the fuck he was. He would’ve wondered it if his mind hadn’t been screaming like a teenage girl. 

_ I’m kissing Castiel! _

He felt Cas’ lips curve into a smile as he pressed closer. A warm, soft moment of bliss before everything collapsed around them like it always did. 

For a second, as Cas pulled back, his breath tickling Dean’s lips, that tingled with electricity and warmth, Dean thought that  _ maybe  _ love would be enough this time. That maybe those weirdo Ghost Facers were right, and two men professing their love for each other would be enough. 

“You gonna make me say it?”

“No I…” 

“Because I’ll fuckin’ say it. I’ll bitch the whole time, because this ain’t natural for me. Strap a bomb to my chest, send me to the moon, sell my soul… that shit is  _ easy _ , Cas. way easier than this.” He pulled back, placing his hands on Cas’ shoulders. He squeezed them gently. “But you… You were different, man. You always were. There was somethin’ about you being an angel… immortal. I couldn’t lose you. There was a steadiness to that. I could count on you. You weren’t like the rest. I was a fool, because I seriously thought the only way you can lose a person is by death.” 

Dean laughed and shook his head. Cas’ eyebrows came together. Confused as always. His beautiful angel. 

“I’ve lost you a thousand times, Cas, and every time it happened I kicked myself for not bein’ brave. And now here you are… sayin’ everything that I’m too damn scared to say in my head, let alone out loud.”

“I know what you mean, Dean.” 

“I know you do, but you deserve more, Cas. You’ve lived a millenia, and if I can’t even give you the one thing you need then what’s the point of me?” 

“Knowing you was always enough.”

Heartbroken. 

“No it wasn’t, Cas. Otherwise you would be gone already, right?” 

Love wouldn’t heal them. It would destroy them.

A tear rolled down Cas’ cheek. “I think you’re right.”

“I thought… if anyone can survive the apocalypse it’d be you.”

“Dean…”

“Don’t go,” his voice cracked, his knees weak. Why was it always them? Why did he always have to give up everything. Why couldn’t he just have this one thing?

“I…”

“I love you, Castiel,” Dean whispered, absolutely defeated. “Always have. Nothin’ else matters. I love you, you hear me? Sorry it took me so long to say it.” 

The angel pressed his palm to Dean’s shoulder, and the long-faded scar tingled. The ground rumbled, the space behind Cas ripping, darkness pouring out, thick like tar.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

“Cas!” 

He called out like it mattered, like it made a difference, like the empty wouldn’t always have ripped Cas out of his arms before he could even process that he was holding him. 

Dean Winchester was left there, on his knees alone, his heart hurting from the spell - and everything else - left with not even a soul left to pray to. 

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
